Beautiful Machine

Artist: Shihad
Album: Beautiful machine
Youtube Link

Shihad today, from their last album. Life is a Beautiful Machine. It has a beautiful way of twisting and contorting itself to throw a total suckerpunch at us, conveniently disguised as a blowjob.

I’ve applied for a job in Kalgoorlie. A full time job. As a Sports Writer for the Kalgoorlie Miner. I really want this job. I’m prepared to move to Kalgoorlie, I’m not sure how much that shows how much it would mean to get an opportunity like this – because it’s a stellar opportunity to get my foot slammed right through the proverbial door of writing – which is what I love. But I would have to move there, and whilst I’m prepared to do that, I don’t wanna leave Danielle – hey there’s a downside to everything, right? Danielle is the only downside to getting the best opportunity of my life to date. I’d take the job in a heartbeat if on the off chance that they offered it to me, but I would be heartbroken. I really would. The girl of my dreams, she is…..

Why is it that other people always bring us down so much?

We just want to feel wanted as a person, and we tend to do whatever it takes to feel that way – even if it means you’re stuck in a deadend relationship where you’re being treated like utter shit, but you’re too struck by actually feeling wanted to notice.

It’s odd, how we perceive the truth as the opposite in situations like that, and I know I’ve been there before and I didn’t like it. I thought that girl was the best thing ever for me – but really she was bringing me down to her level. She thought she had it so hard, that she had a rough upbringing and deserves to be on one of those tv shows for people with a rough upbringing that somehow got successful using the “Step 4: ?????” method, when really she had it so good. Her parents were still together and gave her eveything she could possibly ask for – they supported her when she wasn’t doing so well (as did i, would have been nice to see the favour returned) through no fault of her own. Bought her a car, sent her to beauty school (which, incidentally is big money) because it’s what she wanted to do. But she still whinged “Ahhhh they don’t love me blah blah blah” meanwhile I’m getting kicked out of home at age 15 with nowhere to go, yet she still had it rough? And it was still me that was being selfish when I couldn’t go out, because I couldn’t afford food, let alone a movie out. Or it was me who was selfish when I wouldn’t ride 20k’s across town on my bike, in sweltering heat, after a 9 hour straight shift at work with no food because I couldn’t even afford a loaf of bread to spare, to see her, when she was 17 and had no intentions of getting her licence because her mum drove her everywhere.

So despite this I still felt wanted, because she cried on my shoulder when things weren’t going so well, even after we broke up I might add, and she said she wanted to be with me (I should’ve hit the ground running then!). So I broke up with her after just plain not being able to cope with it, and I felt pretty shit. I thought that she really was great. We’d been together over 12 months. But I moved on, despite a lot of shit that went down. It was a VERY messy break up (we’re talking dead mothers getting involved – wanna know more? ask me and i’ll type it, but you all whinge about me typing too much anyway)…….It was exactly the same shit as my girlfriend before that. I went from being a shoulder to cry on, to a shoulder to cry on that puts out and for nothing in return.

So now I have a new girlfriend and we’ve been together just over 3 months, and it’s been nothing but bliss. I actually think I might love her. But that’s a big word for a little kid. She wants to be with me for who I am, not because I listen to her complain and let her cry on my shoulder, and I want to be with her because she is by far and out the most amazing human being I have ever met. She’s in they year below me, school wise, but she is tenfold more mature than any other girls I know. Maybe it’s naivety, maybe she really is just a snag, either way I’m keeping hold of this one. “She’s a keeper” doesn’t do it justice. But it has only been 3 months, but this already feels different, it’s great. I hope shit doesn’t hit the fan. Sure, according to some I should be out partying every night, fucking sluts as much as possible and all that shit, but in reality, I just enjoy Danielle’s company – she lets me party hard, too. Bonus!

so what the hell am I doing blogging about my ex girlfriend when I am so happy with Danielle? Well, I don’t really know. It’s not like I want her back or anything. I just love where I’m at so much right now, I reminisce about why I didn’t do this earlier. I should have done this earlier – I should’ve treated myself to the life I have now a long time ago.

Hell, I deserved it I think.